Merri Beth Mannequin, came to us one summer shortly after her boyfriend of many years ran off with a bag of dry wall mix that left her in a deep depression.  Her parents were despondent and now, after only a few short months at Northaven, she has given up her anti-social behavior, spending most of her time in the store, modeling a complete line of Northaven apparel. She has been such a great "listener" we are happy to announce that Merri Beth now enjoys the distinction of taking care of our Northaven Advice Column and FAQ's.

If you have a question for Merri Beth about the Resort that isn't covered in the rules or are afraid to ask, check below to see if she as addressed the issue in question or email: NorthavenNewsEd@aol.com and I will forward your inquiry to her for advice.  

Just put in the subject: ASK MERRI BETH. And it will be posted shortly. She has heard it all, so don't worry!

Dear Merri Beth,

I have walked into the bathroom and caught my husband naked and touching himself twice now, what do I do?

Signed: Looking for a hand creme sale

Dear Mrs Anthony Weiner,


Merri Beth Because She Knows

Dear Merri Beth,

My husband is a NASCAR fanatic. He is 38 but his dad still makes him watch the races on his shoulders at MIS Speedway.  I did a search of campgrounds within 5 miles of the speedway and found your place. What fun plus my arms get so tired lifting my top and flashing Randy Newman every lap. How can we both be happy on these weekends?

Signed: Sick of Tire Residue in my Happy Place.

Dear Firestone Floosie,

It’s not a secret that Race Car Fans at Northaven Resort are some of the most accomplished liars we have at camp, second only to couples with teenagers at a Saturday night dance!  First of all you need to tell your mother-in-law you saw “DAD” touching himself with a tube of lithium grease in his hand at the last race and you won’t have to worry about spending fathers day at the track anymore.  THEN, tell hubby that you booked a spot at Northaven Campground at a fraction of the cost of the speedway. With the money you saved you buy him a new leather race jacket, endorsed by his favorite driver. Park his butt at the pavilion with a beer in front of one of the multiple TV screens in his new jacket and his pants off, (just like at home). The bonus is that he doesn’t have to interrupt his concentration on the race to look for the flashing bimbo’s with his binoculars. He can just wait for a commercial, turn his head toward pool to check out the fresh new crop of boobies that Northaven is never short of on the weekends.
You, in turn, can relax and give your neck a clockwise rotation workout for a change looking at the hot guys (they don't all resemble Shrek like at the speedway), with a slushy in your hand and "the girls" can be out of your BUD T-SHIRT all day!

You can lie your way to at least 5 trips a year and nobody will know but you. Check the race schedule and book early for a campsite so you can remain somewhat credible but there aren't any guarantees you won't still get rubber in your happy place.

Merri Beth Because She Knows

Dear Merri Beth,
I know there's nothing worse than reading about somebody else's fetish (assuming that it's a fetish you don't share). But here goes:
  Most folks at your resort shave their pubes but I get “urges” about pubic hair.  Usually, the guy doesn't even have a clue he's being dined upon.  Hey, if you're down there, a nearby pube might end up in your mouth anyway.  If it doesn't, it's not so hard to do a little (discreet, of course) nibbling until you nab one.  Now, here's my question: I've read everything in all the health guides about safe sex, but nobody ever mentions possible ill effects from eating a pubic hair.  I mean, there's DNA in there, right?  I know I'm not supposed to drink his fluids, but hair is a solid, not a liquid.  What do you think?
Signed: It's Better Than Dental Floss

Dear Flossie Floosie,
Honey, congratulations! Just when I thought I heard it all from you hens, you write me with a kink I never even imagined. I love to follow a happy trail to a good new fetish, instead of getting bogged down with all this versatile, dominate, muscle, top, bottom, bubble butt, stuff we read as advice column fodder week after week.
Your fetish creates a whole new set of possibilities..
  If your date is a puny, not so pretty down there nerd, you can always snack on his bush… Fabulous!  Let's face it, plenty of times you have to make the best of a bad sexual situation.  Now, when your huge, bubble-butt muscleman top turns out to be everything but that, you know there are other toys to play with. I'm curious, Doll, Are there different flavors?  Do you prefer a certain texture?  Babe, you are making me nuts with curiosity!  I would say, "Let's do lunch," but I'm not sure I'm ready for your homemade dressing.  I enjoy a good roll in the follicles but never considered them as a dietary supplement.

Munchie Brunch, how many times do I have to tell you girls that this column is not titled Merri Beth’s Medical Journal?  I'm sure that you could probably scarf down a few follicles a day without serious harm, but before you saute' your next pile of pubes, talk to a medical professional.  I've seen what a fur ball can make my cat do to the rug, and ask any plumber what a hair can do to a sink drain-it's not pretty.

You need to come out as a pube eater and meet others who share your fascination.  I'm sure, just like every other little kink, once our readers see this letter, I'll be inundated with letters from girls who want to hook up to share pube stories.   Here's your golden opportunity to start a new social event or business centered on pubes.  Think of the fun you could have if you went public.  Pube shaving parties, pube flavoring products, pube web sites, pube porn, pube enhancing apparatus and of course, the ever practical pube crafts.  Who knows, Blair Hair might pay a handsome sum for a good set of curls!  You may have spurred a curiosity in myself and others. The next time I have a pube stuck between my teeth, I'll let it linger and enjoy the snack instead of plucking it right out.  But until you speak to a doctor, try to be on the safe side and taste but don't swallow.

You Gave Me the Woolies,
Merri Beth Because She Knows

Dear Merri Beth,
I've seen you around camp, even did the gong show together, and there's been speculation that we might have some genes (jeans) in the same pool. Do you have sisters? Were you adopted? I was and I am looking for Ma and Pa.
I know you don't talk much but could you whisper me an answer?

Signed: Merri Jane

Dear Sis,
Someone put my hair over my eyes and I couldn't see anything all weekend! I thought you looked familiar! Ma and Pa told me I had a Siamese twin sister but we were joined at a common clitoris and had the doctor cut us apart so we could get dates later and folks wouldn't think we were just lesbians! We were put up for adoption shortly after Ma died tragically. She took a part-time job as a "BLOW UP DOLL"  thinking, "I can combine the better parts of marriage with a career." Unfortunatly her employer was a terrorist and actually strapped on some explosive and really blew her up!

You must take after Pa cause your parts move pretty good from what I can tell.  Sadly, he also died in an electrical fire working as an animated Christmas Santa at the mall.  I always thought you would show up one day. We have a lot of  "catching up" to do so lets do lunch at "THE STORE" next weekend, I am the one in the corner. The one Larry spoons when he is napping in the afternoon on the sofa.

Merri Beth Because She Knows
PS:  Just wondering, do the guys put a strobe light in the bedroom when they take you home to make you look like you're actually moving when they make love to you, too?

Dear Merri Beth.
While at camp last weekend we heard a true story that happened at another camp. This guy went swimming in the pool early in the season while the water was very cold. He then went to lay face down on a wood slatted lounge chair by the pool. Since he just had got out of the cold water and his boys were a little shrunk, they slipped through the crack in the lounge chair. After awhile when he went to get up and was warmed up, (seems like his Oscar Myers weren't the only thing plumping prior to dinner), he found he was sort of stuck in the chair. The fire department had to be called to cut the chair apart to free him. My question is: should this happen to me, would the fire department be called or would there be some band camp volunteers with a chainsaw to help me out?  This may sound a little funny to you but very serious for me.  Please let me know.  

Signed:   Scared of lounge chairs

Dear "Sleep on your back",
This is hardly ever a problem at Northaven. Whenever this happens, we simply spray a little "PAM" cooking spray on the engorged and swollen part and call Bev to document the appreciative new "Shock and Awwwwe" club member to this elite but sophomoric new Northaven pastime.  Click here for
(Shock and Awwwe Club Details)
Merri Beth Because She Knows

Dear Merri Beth,

I just hate it when guys stare at my breasts and DON'T LISTEN!  HELP!

Signed: Saving Money on Mascara

Dear Hillary C,

Well who says dreams don't come true.  New at the NORTHAVEN STORE.  
 We now have the Apple Computer computer chip for the girls that
can store and play music in a women's breast.

                                "The iBOOB"
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Merri Beth Because She Knows

by  Mary Beth

Finally it is summer and the clothes came off at last
I made the time to swim and drink and tan my little

Body while listening to some hits
Forgot to use my sun screen and scorched my perky

Asparagus’ spears that were grilling on the spit
My legs were spread when a spark flew up and singed my swollen

Cookie dough, that was waiting to be cut
When I felt a long blunt object, poking at my

Shoulder, would you like a beer he asked, and handed one to me
Got in my cart, went in the woods to squat and take a

Log back ,to my fire pit when I almost hit a buck
It must have been the liquor,  I started looking for a

Volleyball match but found a guy instead
So I dropped down to my sun burnt knees and began to give him

Directions in the sand, to an after dance and than gave him a smooch
Where everyone was yelling “oops there it is” while doing shots of

Jello and no one seemed to care
that everyone was having fun and everyone was bare.